rasslin

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OH! HELL! YEAH!

Above you can view the announcement video, wherein Steve Austin, the Hollywood Texas Rattlesnake Blonde, has apparently been inserted into a Wyatt Family video package. He digs up his championship belt from the middle of a field, presumably one located on the Broken Skull Ranch, home of hard-asses and rednecks.

This one goes out to the working  man, who hopes this year’s game is decent instead of a waste of sixty hard-earned dollars. This article is brought to you by Alpha Brain. WWE 2K16 is out October 30th.

I mean, that’s pretty much it. It’s called WWE Immortals. There aren’t any other details to speak of right now, but considering the runaway success the Injustice mobile game enjoyed, it shouldn’t come as a shock that they’re doing something similar.  You can read the whole self-fellating press release after the break, where they don’t mention if you can make Bane break John Cena’s back, or have the Hulkster fight his arch-nemesis: Captain Boomerang.

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Pictured: John Cena, one of the most ape-like creatures on Earth, has been tapped to play the titular role.

Pictured: John Cena, one of the most ape-like creatures on Earth, has been tapped to play the titular role.

Nintendo is dipping their toes into Video Game Movie waters again, this time with a film adaptation of the classic video game series Donkey Kong.  John Cena, current and twelve-time WWE Champion, will portray Donkey Kong himself through a combination of live action and CGI.

“It’s like Where The Wild Things Are, if you remember that,” said Cena of the process, “where it’s mostly me, but they computer in some fur and whatever. I get to wear the actual red tie that was modeled by a gorilla for the original arcade cabinet art. It’s a real honor.”

Nintendo Media Productions, a newly-formed subsidiary, will advise on the project in conjunction with Miramax. Donkey Kong creator Shigeru Miyamoto, when asked if he could divulge any further details about the movie, simply said, “You will rike it,” and gave an adorable, impish grin.

Bob Hoskins and Dennis Hopper are expected to reprise their roles as Mario Mario and King Koopa, respectively.