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What will EA’s annual masturbatory disaster have in store for us this year? Let’s find out! This post will be updated as Things Happen.

Expected games: Titanfall 2, Mass Effect: Andromeda, some new stuff for Star Wars: The Old Republic, Battlefront 2, Battlefield 1, and maybe some fun surprises!

 

e32016_petermoore

People fuckin LOVE Peter Moore, they’re losing their shit for the Chief Competition Officer. He says almost nothing, then EA’s main android leader comes back on stage to talk about the best things in Battlefield 1, including “shovels”.

 

e3_2016_titanfall

Titanfall 2 looks FUCKIN AWESOME. Grappling hooks, robot kung-fu, teleportation, and a bunch of other rad shit. Trailer to be posted here later. Titanfall 2, or TF2, will also have a full campaign this time, if you’re into that.

 

Sports are happening. Esports are also happening.

There are some short snippets of Mass Effect: Andromeda, but nothing of substance. That thing is not anywhere near finished.

And now some Fifa stuff, which means time to go get a drink.

EA is announcing a new program that sounds suspiciously like EA Partners, focused on indie games like Unraveled. The new announcement is Fe, not to be confused with Tokyo Mirage Sessions #FE.

JADE RAYMOND IS HERE! She’s introducing the Star Wars games, which means we might see the one from Visceral that she’s attached to.

mo-cap for Respawn's third-person action game

mo-cap for Respawn’s third-person action game

 

a short snippet of footage from Visceral's Star Wars game

a short snippet of footage from Visceral’s Star Wars game

 

some Battlefield-shilling chucklefuck talks while standing awkwardly next to Jamie Foxx and Zac Efron

some Battlefield-shilling chucklefuck talks while standing awkwardly next to Jamie Foxx and Zac Efron

Battlefield 1 looks really good, and that’s it! Pretty much nothing new or surprising! Thanks, EA! Join us later today for the Bethesda conference, where we’ll see more non-surprises such as a new Wolfenstein, The Evil Within 2, and Prey 2 (or whatever it’ll be called)!

mirrorsedge2
Let’s get ready for EA’s presentation of girls playing violins and Sims dying terrible deaths.

Expected in this conference:

  • Mirror’s Edge: Catalyst, possibly with native VR support.
  • Star Wars: Battlefront gameplay, and that new unannounced Star Wars game from Amy Hennig
  • Mass Effect 4, or whatever they call it.
  • Sperts

Now it’s time to sit back and wait for all this to kick off. It’s going to be awful. But maybe not as awful as previous years.

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Well now there’s a trailer! It claims this is in the “game engine,” which is a good way to make their bullshit seem impressive without actually saying it’s gameplay, which it clearly is not.

Still, if the game looks anything close to this, it’ll be extremely impressive. More than anything, I’m posting this as a record to point back to when actual gameplay is shown and it’s completely underwhelming. Full transparency.

Also everyone on the cop team is totally inept. But, you know. Constant respawns wouldn’t make for a good video. If this is how all of the loot levels play out, it has a certain L4D element that looks really interesting.  This game also has its priorities straight. It features double-barreled shotguns, baseball bats, grappling hooks, muscle cars, and, of course, doughnuts.

So far, Sony has been wiping the floor with everyone else. Microsoft put out a valiant effort this year, but was still lacking in games I’m actually interested in. Now it’s time to see what Sony pulls out… Last Guardian for PS4? Parappa 3? LET’S GET IT ON!

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